I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
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Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Any refunds available?…
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
This could’ve been an email.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.