@SandyEggoMonk: As I get older, I'm really just looking for Girls Gone Mild.
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@AnAverageGiant: Today I had a mild panic attack over the fact I will die someday. Then I bought some shit on Amazon. Your mom is a hermaphrodite.
@Book_Krazy: 911 What's your emergency Me: I'm calling to complain about the quality of this cocaine 911: The police are on their way Me: Thanks
@aparnapkin: If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
@AimeeHelene1: Friend: Who's that? Me: Oh...that's crazy Kathy. F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something? Me: No. She eats hair.