Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
road rage
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
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