What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
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Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team