Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?