As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
[front of card]
No one will find your body[open card]
as attractive as I do[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?