As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut