Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A dad and his duck
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.