Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
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current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Jupiter
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.