As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.