I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…