My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii