As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
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[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.