my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
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Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way