@bingowings14: As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
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@jessicaa1017: Waitress at Olive Garden tells me to say "when" and starts grating cheese on my salad I say nothing Room fills with Parmesan No one survives
@mommajessiec: Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
@UncleDuke1969: [on knees] “Oh God... please make this hangover go away.” [from heavens] “Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”