Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Home is where your toilet is.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.