As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
O Wise One….
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?