@Rollmaninoz: As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
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@XplodingUnicorn: [playing the board game Guess Who] Me: Is your person handsome? 5-year-old: No, they look like you.
@iresurfaced: Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don't be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don't show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
@TheMichaelRock: My boss said to "treat customers like you treat your mother", so I haven't answered my phone in a month and I have 74 unheard voicemails.
@JillBidenVeep: Barack: Sign here, and here Joe: And then the adoption is final & you and Michelle are my parents? Barack: No, Joe