As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
OH. COME. ON.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
i spent way too long on this
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.