As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
You Might Also Like
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
incredible
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.