As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
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[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
This came to me in a dream.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.