As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.