@DestineyLynn: As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas.
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@WilliamRodgers: I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
@Sarcasticsapien: Me: Did it hurt? Her: Did what hurt? Me: When you fell from a really high distance. Dating as an atheist is hard.
@OhNoSheTwitnt: My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
@ehdannyboy: what's for dinner? ME: indian we had indian last night ME: i know, but i forgot to do the 'i see a little sillhouetto of a naan' joke so