@DestineyLynn: As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas.
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@SuperRandomish: Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn't socially acceptable for some reason.
@Brampersandon_: Wife: You're so predictable Me: Yeah? I bet u didn't see this coming *I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho* Me: Damn
@tigersgoroooar: if you're in a sports bar but don't understand sports just keep repeating the phrase "damn they gotta get him the ball." everyone will agree