@DestineyLynn: As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed... And then I remembered I got gas.
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@Fred_Delicious: Doctor - "you've been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?" Me - "no?" Doctor - "and I'm afraid you never will. You're dying"
@NikiWithIssues: By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
@pecan_pie_1: When my toddlers are teenagers I'm going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I'm thirsty
@ColoChiver: When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.