As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
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Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
Girl, same.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
this is so top tier i cant
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.