As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
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Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Best spoiler warning ever
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.