As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
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Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.