As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
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Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
j o i m p
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.