As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
yeah not falling for this one
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.