As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
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People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
These 3D printers are insane!
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.