I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.