*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
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How high do the levels go?
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Look at this
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!