As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
dutch so unserious
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
😂😂😂
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library