As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.