As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
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Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
A Match(.com), but for socks.