[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
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The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Not all heroes wear capes.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
I beg your pardon?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.