As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family