@DannyZuker: As my friend confessed, "My teenage daughter never even talks to me," I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
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@BuckyIsotope: If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
@One_FineMess: A cig takes 7 minutes off your life A piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life According to my calculations I should have died in 1812
@NikiWithIssues: Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer. Me: yea I got arrested once Niece: omg why Me: for going through my aunt's drawers.
@bridger_w: If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.