As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
don’t be scared
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
then why did i get this email
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff