As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
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Me: Same
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.