@catcerveny: As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son's love, I sometimes think to myself, "This may be the worst prize ever."
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@boring_as_heck: MISSING: SUPER ADORABLE PUPPY. WILL COME IF YOU PLAY WU-TANG HELLA LOUD. THIS IS NOT A PLOY TO GET THE NEIGHBORHOOD BUMPIN', THE DOG IS REAL
@GoldenSpirals: Cashier: What does your tattoo say? Me: It doesn't talk. Cashier: Ya, but what does it say? Me: IT DOESN'T TALK. Cashier: Ok, Ma'am.
@AndrewNadeau0: I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I'm going to say it. I think I'm smarter than most, if not all, babies.
@Dr_awfulpants: If your boss says "Correct me if I'm wrong but aren't you supposed to be in at 8am?" don't correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.