As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two