As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
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I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
This is Sparta
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Battery falling down a hole
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”