@michaelianblack: As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
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@dadjokehansolo: Ben: I'm trying to read, you're in my light Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse! Ben: Dad I swear to- Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day 13 Anthony Weiner decides to help. He takes a photo. He tweets. Congress now sees where balls are located.
@stockejock: Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.