@michaelianblack: As new head of Westboro Baptist Church, I'm expanding who God hates. To start: delivery guys, vegetarians, and people who do Sudoku.
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@shawnspree: My wife hates the way I introduce her to people in public. "THIS is my wife.." *looks down at the ground *sighs *kicks can
@SSDated: This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.
@OtherDanOBrien: ME: I'm a creep. I'm a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. GUY: I love that song. ME: What song?
@joerogan: That Russian meteor footage is a nice reminder that we're flying through the universe in an organic spaceship with no roof.