[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Rt to bother an English speaker
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
This is sending me to another galaxy
I was up all night reading about insomnia
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die