If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Always the camel, never the toe.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?