As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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yeah no that’s fair
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids