As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
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[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine