[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
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me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Discuss
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”