As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
You Might Also Like
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.