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@EromoEgbejule: As seen on Reddit: "Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people".
@lloydrang: Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
@H0TMessBarbie: I have a nice body. It's out in the trunk.
@mrjohndarby: [arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
@duplicitron: Probably the rudest thing you can do to a stingray is catch it with a fishing pole and then fly it like a kite.
@ieatanddrink: "I deleted that tweet because I've really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it's just not up to my current standards"