As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them