Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
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For cardio I live beyond my means.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
scenes of unspeakable carnage
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.