As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
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If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
Squirrels before girls.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.