You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
You Might Also Like
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Introverted vegans go meetless
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST