@mulliganstewed: As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don't all have the same accent, I'm probably going to get fired from storytime.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: Gazing at nature's majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I'm drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
@trojansauce: [as the bride enters the church and heads down the aisle] ME: *clapping* BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE BRIDE
@sofarrsogud: OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY BOSS: I don't know you. Do you work here? ME: *sips wine* No. HIM: So your wife does? ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
@primawesome: Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.