As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
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Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.